Boredom Doesn’t Always Translate to BDSM

I’ve got the “New New” tips and tricks for sexual reinvigoration.

Okay, so y’all’s sex sucks? Haha, fine maybe sucks is too strong of a word, but you’re here for a reason right? You want to find out what more can be done to keep things hot in (or out of…) the bedroom. I get it relationships are tough; and people in long-term relationships may find it especially difficult to keep those sparks flying. So what do you do when the bedroom is getting a little boring? Truthfully there are a shit ton of options out there. You just have to figure out what works best for y’all. Before you jump straight into the deep end of BDSM there may be a couple options that you’re missing.

First things first, sexual issues aren’t always solely sexual. You could have problems in the bedroom because of other underlying issues in the relationship. If you’re not dealing with the real then the sex won’t be an easy fix. A lot of times we use sex like we’re putting a band aid over a bullet hole. Make sure you’re communicating and listening to your partner(s) about any issues or negative feelings y’all are having. Contrary to popular belief we aren’t entitled to sex from our partners. Sometimes people are just going through shit and they need support in non-sexual ways too. Be there for them in whatever way they need.

And other times you can turn your partner on from very mundane tasks. Like imagine coming home to a clean house and food already made….. I’m dropping drawls out the gate lol. If you partner has been stressing over money problems and you pull up with a job then the pussy might be ready to fall off the bone. Compliment your partner when they’re meeting your needs, doing a great job, or just because. Show them that they’re appreciated. Maybe your partner is tired of always being the one to initiate sex. Find a way to take charge that still makes you feel comfortable. Not having to be in charge all the time might just do the trick.

Stella Got her groove back GIF

Sometimes the problem is simply the sex, itself. After a while a bitch just runs out of new, fun shit to do. Like really how many different ways are there to get your groove on? But often it just takes a little imagination. Don’t worry though you don’t have to go all 50 Shades of Grey to find out how Stella Got Her Groove Back. BDSM can be intimidating for people looking from the outside in. Hell even if you’re fully knowledgeable on BDSM it may not be your cup of tea. That’s 100% okay. Don’t ever let someone try to manipulate you out of your boundaries. You don’t have to be a part of that lifestyle to still be a blast in bed. But I digress. Here’s a list of a few things you can try out to bring the sexy back.

Sexy Dance GIF by Janet Jackson - Find & Share on GIPHY
Yeah I said “Bring the sexy back” but FUCK Justin Timberlake. This is a Janet Jackson stan account. She deserved better.
  • Role Playing
    • Be your own sneaky links. Get a hotel and pretend to be having an affair
    • Go out to a bar and watch your partner flirt with someone else or pretend you don’t know each other and flirt as if you’re meeting for the first time
    • Have a favorite show/movie together? Dress up like your favorite characters or the hero and villain and duke it out
    • One of you prepping for a new job? Dress up like a cheerleader and get them hype
    • Role play is really whatever your make it. Go all out. You know what they say go hard or go home, right? 😉
  • Try Sensory Deprivation/Sensory Play
    • Use blindfolds, handcuffs, ball gags, feather dusters, etc
    • Dabble in temperature play (Putting a glass dildo in the freezer, using body-safe sex wax, warming massage oils, cooling/heating lubes, etc)
  • Play Hide and Go Get It
    • I recommend playing in the comfort and safety of your own home (Especially as beginners)
    • If you choose to get freaky in this wild wide world remember that public indecency is a crime in most countries. Even if you don’t get turned into the police having a stranger catch you in a risky positions can be not only awkward but also very dangerous.
    • Either option you choose you can leave clues if you want (notes, articles of clothing, rose petals, etc)
  • Make the whole day a part of your foreplay. Go on a bunch of sensual dates to build up the anticipation for what’s to come.
    • Buy some sex tech (remote controlled underwear, butt plugs, etc). Teledildonics is really trending in the sex world.
    • You can also go out and not wear underwear while wearing something with easy accessibility over it. You can even get handsy under the table or in a dark movie theatre.
  • It could even be as simple as switching which room you have sex in. Christen the whole damn house if you have to! Get busy at the office (But don’t get fired). Use that damn balcony.
  • Have you ever given mutual masturbation a try? There are two forms of mutual masturbation…
    • Masturbating each other. Meaning you can’t touch yourself but you can touch each other.
    • Or watch each other touch themselves.
    • You can even do this virtually! Fuck Zoom Fatigue. Put that dick in front of the webcam baby.
  • Have sex in front of a mirror. Watching yourself (or your partner) can be extremely intoxicating.
  • Sex furniture is also a thing. First, things like sex swings or queening chairs are hella fun to play with. Second, some positions are uncomfortable on the body. Also different angles hit different spots. Missionary with something as basic as a pillow under your back can absolutely change the game.
  • Participate in an amateur night at your local strip club. If you don’t want to get naked personally then attend a strip joint with your boo. Now don’t be stingy. The performers are there helping you get the lust back the least you can do is tip well.
  • Watch porn together. You could even subscribe to a more personalized service via OnlyFans or some other camming site so the performer can do things specifically for you.
  • Go to a sex club or attend a virtual sex party. Yes, they’re both very real; and no this is not white people shit. Black folks do attend as well.
  • You probably already thought of this put send each other erotic content.
    • Photos
    • Videos
    • Sexts/Emails
    • Leave each other letters or sexy post it notes to find
  • Meet up over lunch to get your back broken like a glow stick. Then you have to go back to work having flashbacks which may keep you in the mood for another rendezvous later.
  • Read or listen to erotic stories together. Y’all remember them damn Zane books! Make them your bed time stories. Or listen to your erotica from erotic poets, storytellers, or audio apps.
  • Introduce any sex toys that turn you on. Believe me there are a lot out there.
  • Want to do something more intimate. Bathe each other. There is something really sensual about taking your time running soap and water over every inch of your partner’s body.

I think that should be enough to get you started. Hopefully any one of these will be helpful to you and your partner(s). Feel free to create your own things or do some more research and find out what everyone else is doing out there. Also talk to your partners maybe they know of something but don’t know how to bring it up.

Now go forth and get your back broke like a KitKat.

Via IG User: @reinemontclair
Via IG User: @reinemontclair
Tia Freeman
Tia Freeman

Sex blogger and reproductive justice advocate. Centering the Black erotic experience.

Holla Heathens…

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